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Some movies seem interesting at first, so we watch them. Then, the movie gives us that slight “uh...where is this going?...” feeling, making us worry about the ending and how it might suck. Most of them turn out alright though, because movies are meant to be an escape from our sucktown lives, and give us things like hope, encouragement, lessons, and candy.

You may notice I don’t have any torture porn movies listed here like Saw I-C (C=100 btw), Frontiers, or Human Centipede 1 or 2 (really...a sequel for that one,... really). That is because I did not watch them because if I had, this wouldn’t be “movies that made me want to kill myself”, instead, it would be “movies that DID make me kill myself”. Also, we know what to expect in those movies...which is, death, lots and lots of death.

SPOILERS! In order to talk about why these movies make us want to kill ourselves after watching them, I’m going to have to talk about their endings...all of them. So, if you haven’t seen them and plan on watching a movie that makes you think hard about putting your head in the oven then stop reading this right now.

However, if you like life and enjoy happy things and want to steer clear from movies that depict the ugliness of our brief existence on earth...then read up.

 



devilsbackboneDevil’s Backbone
Directed by: Guillermo del Toro

You know del Toro as the genius behind Pan’s Labrynth and Hell Boy, and perhaps the really interesting vampire trilogy called The Strain. (I know you read, so go pick them up, they’re good)

Premise:
del Toro decided to use the three most depressing things as the main plot points in this movie. An orphanage, Spanish civil war (I’m not clear if Spain is not depressing without civil war, but I’ll give the benefit of doubt) and a dead kid. Also, there’s a bomb in the courtyard that never went off and everyone seems to be fine with it.

Why did I watch it?
Because Guillermo del Toro directed another movie ALSO about an orphanage called... The Orphanage and it was very good. The perfect balance of creepiness, story and character development with a very good ending. (nope, I won’t spoil that one for ya, you’re welcome).

Good Part?
Yes, this movie has some good points. The directing is great (wouldn’t expect less from del Toro). Characters are interesting and the stress level slowly ratchets up each act (you know, like the kind of good movie that are good, versus, I don’t know ALL of todays American horror movies). The coolest part of Devil’s Backbone is when the ghost is walking around...and the blood from his head is leaking into the air simulating him being underwater. It’s such an amazing special affect that you forget that you looking at a dead kid for a second.

Where it all goes to crap.
The bad guy, named Jacinto, in this movie is pretty freeking evil. After finding out about some secret gold being kept there, Jacinto murders a woman who was trying to go get help. He is later responsible for the deaths of several of the orphan boys (pretty sure killing an orphan boy is like an extra couple of eternities in hell, let alone multiple orphan boys) and the death of the ghost kid...who was really trying to help the kids all along. Seriously. As the evility (it is now, shut up) of Jacinto begins to become clear, we begin to be relieved when the ghost comes back on screen. That’s saying something about true horrors of reality when we say “Oh, good, it’s just the decomposing dead kid.” The movie goes crazy freeking nuts and pulls a Lord of the Flies when it culminates with the boys stabbing the crap out of the bad guy with spears they made. I didn’t even make that up...and after watching what he did...you’re glad those little boys just up and murdered a guy.

Should you watch it?
Uh...yes? I mean, this is a decent movie...I actually liked it. It’s good. I just wanted to die after watching it.

Alternatives?
The Orphanage. Same creepy factor, by the same director, very good, not as depressing.

 

 


 

oldboyOld Boy
Directed by: Chan-wook Park
IMDB.com says he’s known for these titles: Lady Vengeance, Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance and Thirst. After watching one of his movies, I plan on never seeing any of these.


Premise:
A dude named Dae-su Oh (Oh?) is held in a locked room for years and is never told why. He is fed daily, has a TV and punches the wall ‘cus when he’s bored. After he gets out, he tries to find out who the hell kept him hostage for years (possibly a decade or two) and attempts to have a somewhat normal life, meeting a cute woman he kinda likes and they start getting to know each other and having very awkward sex.

Why did I watch it?
Because my room mates rented it...because they heard about the live octopus eating scene.

Good Part?
I guess the “cool part” is when the main character eats a live octopus on screen. It’s kinda funny, he just plops it into his mouth and starts chewing away at it, all the while the tentacles are slapping him in the face. It’s actually mesmerizing how bazaar and horrible it is. But if you want to see this, just go to YouTube.com and search “eat live octopus” and you’ll find it.

Where it all goes to crap.
Warning...this if very screwed up. Here we go. Turns out the whole reason Dae-su was held for years and brain washed was to give his daughter time to grow up and also brain wash her. So, when he got out, not only did he not recognize his own daughter, but because both of them were brainwashed, they fell in love and started having very rough, awkward, horrible sex. I’ll bet you’re wondering “uh, what crap?” Alright, let me explain why this was done, ‘cus if we have a reason, then it makes it ok. The main bad guy had sex with his sister a while back (‘cus, incest is apparently just something that happens in Korea). But Dae-su blabbed about it in school and everybody thought she was pregnant, so she killed herself. So now, the main bad guy blames him and needed to get back at our protagonist. After he explains all this to Dae-su, the main character pleads with him never to tell his girlfriend/daughter and then proceeds to cut his own tongue out with a scissors (kinda what we wanted to do with our brains after watching this movie) and vows never to tell her either. He goes back to her and he lives a very depressing life, and she lives a lie.

Seriously, that’s the plot. My SOUL needed a shower after that.

Should you watch it?
No.

Alternatives?
ANYTHING. If you’re specifically looking for a Korean flick, rent The Host. A fun creature feature with pretty dang good effects.

 

 


 

silenthillSilent Hill
Directed by: Christophe Gans
He is also known for the Brotherhood of the Wolf, which was kinda kick ass actually.

Premise:
Rose adopted a creepy little girl who was named Sharon and was extremely disturbed. So, she takes her to the town she came from, Silent Hill. (Note to self, never go to a town named Silent Hill).

Why did I watch it?
Sounded like a good horror flick. I was wrong.

Good Part?
The atmosphere is wicked awesome, I gotta say. During the day, the whole town is covered in fog/ash from a fire that happened years ago. This is creepy enough; during the day, weird, single orifice creatures with no arms walk around and spit black crap at you (come to think of it, it may actually be their crap, since they only have one hole). But then the siren goes off, which is a warning that night time is starting and everything is gonna start sucking worse. When it gets dark, more creatures come out, the walls of buildings change and decompose and its just generally perfectly creepy. It’s like what might happen if What Dreams May come was more like What Nightmare Will come and screw you up. Honestly, if the rest of it wasn’t so awful, I’d actually enjoy this movie.

Where it all goes to crap.
Some movies are creepy as hell because of the story itself, some are because of what actually happens, what the directors decide to show. This has both. It turns out, we have a screwed up trinity going on here. The adopted little girl, is really the same little girl that was sexually molested several years earlier in Silent Hill. The screwed up church decides that it was her fault for some reason and performs some kind of ceremony that ends up burning her. While in the burn ward, a girl (her future self/the devil probably) comes to see her and gives her powers to take revenge on the whole town. She burns the whole place down, kills everybody, and for some reason monsters start walking around, along with creepy ass nurses, not the hot kind.

It gets worse. [Warning: if you don’t want to be seriously disturbed, just skip this and move onto the next one] At one point, a dude with a pointy face and a seriously large sword pulls off a woman’s clothing with one swipe, then pulls off her skin with a second swipe and THROWS her skin AT someone. Who thinks this crap up?! Later, the church kidnaps Rose’s adopted daughter, so Rose goes to see the burned girl who is all grown up now. The “other” girl (again, likely the devil here) says she can’t get into the church, but needs to in order to help Rose. So, Rose let’s her go inside her...somehow. After Rose gets into the church, she starts puking up black crap and that lets in the evil, burned girl (who is now an adult).

[If rape is disturbing to you, stop reading now...but if you’re not disturbed by rape...uh, wtf?] The burned woman has powers over barbed wire. In order to take revenge on the church, she grabs the main leader of the church with the barbed wire, holds her up into the air and rapes her with the wire...then rips her in half. Now, I don’t know if this was in the original video game (I doubt it), but I’m guessing kids played it, and then wanted to see the movie, and saw that. I’m no prude, I like violent movies and video games,...but do we really need to see someone raped to death with barbed wire? Is that entertaining?

Should you see it?
Idk, it has a cool atmosphere, but it’s not a great movie by any measure.

Alternatives?
If you want a creep factor with old, decomposing buildings but with out the barbed wire rape, then see Session 9.

 

 


 

eventhillEvent Horizon
Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson
He’s hit or miss. He directed Resident Evil, which I quite liked, but then he decided to take two decent franchises (Alien & Predator) and put them together and make them suck somehow. He also did Death Race...yep.

Premise:
An experimental ship disappears but then comes back. A crew is sent to find out what happened. But instead of using modern technology (like scanners, downloading files remotely, the Force) they all decide to leave the safety of a perfectly normal, non demonic ship, and board the one with the missing crew.

Why did I watch it?
Sounded like a decent sci-fi horror flick. I was wrong.

Good Part?
I admit that the premise is looking good for a sci-fi fun space romp. Missing crew, no idea where the frick the ship went or why it came back, mysterious blood everywhere, maybe there’s an alien that’s eating people. Ya don’t know. (but...they already did that with Alien...so ya know they have to switch it up a bit).

Where it all goes to crap.
[Warning, this is screwed up]
After poking around a bit, they discover video of the previous crew...stuffing their arms down each others throats to death. Yeah. Then that nice guy from Jurassic Park begins to see his naked wife who killed herself a while back and she convinces him to join her in the dimension of hell...’cus that’s where the ship went. That’s right, that’s the whole point of the story. The ship, instead of opening a worm hole and improving travel time, instead opened a hole into the dimension of hell and now the ship itself is crazy. Sam Neill’s character pulls a Rever survivor (there’s a Firefly reference for ya) and decides to gouge his eyes out and start killing everyone. In the end, in probably one of the most disturbing scenes in movies (save for that one scene in Hostel 2, you know the one I’m talking about, if you don’t, don’t see it) disembowels someone and then hangs them on hooks by their skin. Sam Neil and Laurence Fishburne have a difference of opinion. Sam wants to go to hell to be with his naked, dead wife. Laurence doesn’t want to go to the dimension of hell and have his skin removed. So, they fight. In the process, Sam’s character forces Laurence to see the rest of the crew in various torture scenes that are pretty screwed up and horrifying.

Should you see it?
No.

Alternatives?
If you want to see a good space horror, just watch the original Alien. Or, even Sunshine, which is basically Event Horizon without all the gore.

 



Tiltillhumanvoiceswakeusl Human Voices Wake Us
Directed by: Michael Petroni
He also directed The Rite, Queen of the Damned, and The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. So, he’s all over the freekin’ map.

 

Premise:
Guy Pearce plays Sam Franks, a dude going home to Australia to visit where he grew up. On the train into town, he meets a lovely woman named Ruby played by Helena Bonham Carter. They hit it off, start chatting, go for walks, pick nicks, share their hearts and souls with each other, more walks. Generally have a very pleasant, boring time.

Why did I watch it?
My girlfriend at the time thought it might be a good movie because Guy Peirce was in it, and I think she kinda liked Helena Bonham Carter (don’t we all). But...one of us was wrong about that. I’m not putting blame on anyone, especially the individual without a Y chromosome, because we all know people without Y chromosome can’t be wrong. Just saying...

Good Part?
Um. Pretty people having a lovely time. That’s the good part. The first half is pretty much a really warm and fuzzy with very little conflict and just nice.

Where it all goes to crap.
The lovely woman that Guy Peirce gets to know and basically is falling in love with, turns out she is the personification of his childhood best friend...who drowned and he had just blocked it out. The movie ends with him laying in a canoe with Carter’s character basically telling him it’s ok, it wasn’t his fault, they were swimming and she drowned but he shouldn’t blamed himself and he needs to let her go.

The problem here is that there are no other characters for him or us (the viewers) to bond with. So, when it turns out the only person that Peirce cares about has been dead the whole time and she died when she was a little girl, and they were best friends, and he probably would have married her and been happy, but now she’s dead, and everything sucks...we just want to curl up and die with him in the boat because everything just blows.

Should you see it?
Eh. It’s a “good” movie. The people and scenery are pretty, but...the whole thing just reminds you that everyone will die and there’s no point to anything ever.

Alternatives?
Another movie about death that’s barely less depressing is The Fountain. If only because of the very cool story line...but it IS also very depressing.

 


 

graveofthefirefliesGrave Of The Fireflies
Directed by: Isao Takahata
Also directed Pom Poko, Only Yesterday, and other movies that may or may not be as depressing as Grave of teh Fireflies...but I don’t think we should chance it.

Premise:
"September 21, 1945. That was the night I died,...” This is when you shut it off. Not only do you know what happens, but you know it’s gonna suck. So why the hell did I keep watching? I guess I was bored, watching it late at night by myself...hoping for some kind of twist like “hey, remember I said I died? I really meant, ‘even though everything sucked, life was hard, and no one helped, I was able to care for my sister and make neither of us died.” Ya know, something like that.

Setsuko and Seita are cute little anime kids who, instead of having amazing superhuman powers (Akira), riding flying magic bunnies (My Neighbor Totoro), finding a magic flying castle (aptly named Castle in the Sky), or morphing into weird fish girls (Ponyo)...these kids are trying to make things work when their mom dies and their dad is still in military service during the war.

The boy takes care of his little sister through the whole movie. They survived a night of bombing (screw-you-very-much American Military), only to watch their dead mother burned in a pile. You think “holy crap! Well, they’re tough, they’ll get through it.” They’re kids in an anime movie, some awesome superpower robot will come along and save them. Or hey, their father, yeah, they’re father is still alive and will come and save them...

The aunt just gives them broth, though she eats rice. She continues to suck as a caring human being and they eventually leave, hoping that they can find some other place to find food and shelter. This does not work well, as you may have guessed. I could list all the crappy ways that these kids were not cared for or helped, but...you get the point.

Where it all goes to crap.
They never find their dad, and the kids both die. The little girl dies in her sleep from starvation and the boy puts her in a box and lights it on fire for a ceremonial cremation. Later, the boy sits down and dies in his sleep as well.

The “happy” part is that since their both dead, they can play with the fireflies together as ghosts. Yep, that does it for me. That makes the whole freekiing thing better, the dead ghost kids playing with fireflies totally takes away the fact I that I just watch a whole movie about two kids starving to death and no one cared. Oh wait, no it freeking doesn’t.

I seriously hate this movie more than all the others. The whole movie is just a reminder of how selfish, crappy, and inept we are at taking care of each other. The whole thing is an anti war movie packaged in condom with a picture of a little girl or boy saying “why will you let me die?”

Why did I see it?
‘Cus I like SOME anime movies and I thought it looked good.
(note: “thought it looked good” is getting to be a tiring excuse)

Should you see it?
Are you kidding? Sure, yeah, you go ahead and watch a movie about two kids dieing. That’s fine.

Alternatives?
My Neighbor Totoro is way better. The mother is sick (probably with cancer) the dad takes care of his two little girls, and the flying bunny and cat bus are pretty cool too.

Ugh. Hopefully you haven’t explored the insides of your abdomen with a cheese grader yet. If you held in there, then you need a reward, a little pick me up. Here’s a list of 25 movies to make you happy: http://www.top10films.co.uk/archives/2977

Nathan R. Carlsen writes about movies at TheRollerskate.com, he also thinks is a photographer.

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